Monday, April 22, 2013

Not one of those days....

Sometimes the biggest battle that I fight is the one within.  Sometimes I struggle with the "awe poor me's", or the "when is it going to be my turn?"   These are short lived situations, but they sneak up from time to time.

I can't count the many wonderful people who have prayed for me and my health over the past 15 years.  I've been anointed with oil.  I have hands laid upon me.  I've watched as others have been healed, but not me.  I've questioned my own faith walk from time to time.  I've questioned God's existance.  I wondered what I could have done wrong to be punished so.  In my head, I know none of this is true.  And most of the time, I truely believe.  I believe in God.  I believe that I will be with Him someday.  But sometimes, I am weak.

Today, I am weak.  I have worked so hard for the past 15 years to gain control of a body that has been out of control for over 20 years.  I have done everything that I've been told by more doctor's than I can count.  I've studied so hard for a college degree with the high hopes of finding the magic answer to what ails me.  I was held prisoner to a PICC line for a year, never seeing the results that were expected.  Today, as I sat in the doctor's chair for 2 hours, getting a much needed infusion of iron, I was blessed to speak to yet another beautiful lady plagued by several illnesses, including Lyme disease.  Her Lyme disease did what mine was supposed to do.  It has gone dormant.  I spoke to another lady being treated in the chair for her ailments, but he Lyme disease responded to treatment and completely disappeared.  I spoke to a woman who was so sick with Lyme disease, that a year ago she couldn't even speak, much less move.  She has a working dog that helps her with her life skills.  That's how bad she was.  WAS. I am feeling a little bit sorry for myself.

Why didn't it work for me?  Why hasn't God seen fit to heal me?  What lesson am I missing? 

On most days, these questions do not enter my mind.  On most days, I can remain positive.  On most days I fight.  

Today is not one of those days......