Monday, April 22, 2013

Not one of those days....

Sometimes the biggest battle that I fight is the one within.  Sometimes I struggle with the "awe poor me's", or the "when is it going to be my turn?"   These are short lived situations, but they sneak up from time to time.

I can't count the many wonderful people who have prayed for me and my health over the past 15 years.  I've been anointed with oil.  I have hands laid upon me.  I've watched as others have been healed, but not me.  I've questioned my own faith walk from time to time.  I've questioned God's existance.  I wondered what I could have done wrong to be punished so.  In my head, I know none of this is true.  And most of the time, I truely believe.  I believe in God.  I believe that I will be with Him someday.  But sometimes, I am weak.

Today, I am weak.  I have worked so hard for the past 15 years to gain control of a body that has been out of control for over 20 years.  I have done everything that I've been told by more doctor's than I can count.  I've studied so hard for a college degree with the high hopes of finding the magic answer to what ails me.  I was held prisoner to a PICC line for a year, never seeing the results that were expected.  Today, as I sat in the doctor's chair for 2 hours, getting a much needed infusion of iron, I was blessed to speak to yet another beautiful lady plagued by several illnesses, including Lyme disease.  Her Lyme disease did what mine was supposed to do.  It has gone dormant.  I spoke to another lady being treated in the chair for her ailments, but he Lyme disease responded to treatment and completely disappeared.  I spoke to a woman who was so sick with Lyme disease, that a year ago she couldn't even speak, much less move.  She has a working dog that helps her with her life skills.  That's how bad she was.  WAS.   Yes...today I am feeling a little bit sorry for myself.

Why didn't it work for me?  Why hasn't God seen fit to heal me?  What lesson am I missing? 

On most days, these questions do not enter my mind.  On most days, I can remain positive.  On most days I fight.  

Today is not one of those days......

9 comments:

  1. :( I am so sorry, Mom. I wish I was there to give you a big hug. I can only imagine what it must be like to be sick for so long with no reprieve. You are so strong and brave. I don't know anyone that is stronger than you. It's okay to have "those days" and to feel sorry for yourself. Everyone has those days.

    "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

    I love you so much!

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    1. Thank you so much, Jo. I am so blessed with such a supportive family. I love you too and really apreciate the Bible Verse!

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  2. Awww, honey. Hang in there. We all have those days. Just remember that so many of us hold you in our hearts and thoughts and prayers.. Big hugs!!!

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    1. Thank you so much, Heather. I feel the prayers! xo

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  3. I know it is hard to see now, but your whole life experience is not in vain...you will be a blessed example to others, even if you don't see it...I do hope you get to see the fruit of your suffering, so that you can have the peace that you deserve! Love you, my Friend! Lynda

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    1. Thank you, Lynda, Love you back!

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  4. Dearest Lisa,
    Unless a person has experienced pain day after day after day like you have, it is hard to understand why getting out of bed and facing another day of pain is so immensely difficult. Why go on? we ask. Why endure this savage beating of pain for one more day? Why indeed? And while you and I might not feel or see any sense, much less meaning, in the ongoingness of our pain, it is painstakingly true that if we can hang on long enough, meaning comes! I beleve that much of our knowledge and wisdom, out most creative thoughts and our greatest achievements are forged in the furnaces of our suffering. We can look back and say, "Ah, there was meaning in that after all!" So, dear Lisa, until you can begin to see meaning in your pain today, I'll see it for you. It will come about, and I believe eventually we'll see it happen together! My love and prayers, Mom

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